(Warning—this is raw and real. So many have shared that you like my posts because I am letting you see the good, the bad, and the ugly. Well that’s a good thing, because here goes…)
I’ve been wanting to sit down and write an update for a few days, but I have been without something divine or profound to share. In fact, the past few days have been some of the hardest for us as we walk this new journey without Sadie right here with us. We miss her so much, and are having a really hard time picturing life moving forward without her with us. I miss being her mommy, and Tim misses being her daddy. “But she will always be with you in your heart”, you say. Yes…that is true…but I just miss being able to see her, hold her, hear her, be silly with her, create new memories with her, watch her grow and change…you get what I’m saying. It’s almost like the fog is lifting and we are really just realizing the permanence of what has happened to our sweet girl. We are left sitting in our home–the storm has come and gone (sort of), and we are sitting in a pile of wreckage. Wreckage of our hearts and souls. Wreckage of our plans, dreams, goals, and desires for our little girl and for our family of four. Our surroundings are familiar, but nothing feels right or normal right now. It hurts on so many levels. We cry over things like scrambled eggs and yogurt, walks down the sidewalk, playing in the side yard, music concerts in our house with one less member, and buckling only one kid in the car (although we are more thankful for the fact that we have Eli than ever before). And although it seems we are not supposed to ask the question, “why”, it is difficult for that concept or question not to cross our mind. I mean, yes we trust God and know that He works all thing for our good, but that doesn’t mean that we are just like, “Okay, cool—no biggie”.
So, here we are, 7 weeks after Sadie returned to her true home in Heaven, and I feel like I am playing tug-o-war. One side is tugging us toward “moving forward”, which we truly want to do as quickly as possible because this feeling inside is pretty miserable. The other side is keeping us in a puddle of tears—like we are leaving Sadie behind if we walk forward instead of backward. I mean, after all, this really did JUST happen, right? I mean, three months ago today, we were home after Sadie’s first hospital visit, thinking we had a miraculous recovery from meningitis and encephalitis…
So, how long is a healthy amount of time to grieve something as hard as losing your 17 month old daughter to a vicious cancer in less than 6 weeks? When are we supposed to feel “okay” again? I honestly don’t know the answers to these questions quite yet. But what I do know is that we are not done grieving, and although we are pushing forward as best as we can, we are not exactly “okay” yet—this is going to be a process that we probably shouldn’t rush. We appreciate your prayers more than ever right now. After all, our absolute worst nightmare just happened. We just realized that bad things really do happen to “good people”. I mean, we knew that in theory or in small doses before, but not like this. We do trust that God is with us, and that He totally has the ability to allow for blessings despite this tragedy (actually, we are already seeing evidence of that), but all of that doesn’t take away the stinging fact that our sweet blue-eyed girl is not here with us anymore. I am not sad for her—she’s in good hands—so I guess that leaves me selfishly sad for us. Not just sad for Tim, Eli, and myself—but sad for everyone who had an opportunity to get to know Sadiebug, and even sad for those who didn’t get the chance to get to know her at all. She was a very special gift and blessing to us from on High, and I honestly believe the world is a better place because of her. So I’m just plain ol’ sad because I miss her so very much.
A dear friend of mine and Sadie’s—Ms. Katie—sent me this text the other day: “There is not a foot too small that it cannot make an imprint on this world”. She saw it on a preemie pic, but said it made her think of Bug. I can totally see why. I have a feeling if I had ANY IDEA the number of lives impacted and changed because of her life, I’d be blown away. So many people have shared testimony with me, and for that I am SO THANKFUL. It doesn’t take away the pain that I feel over losing Sadie, but it does help me to see evidence of God’s Hand in all of this.
One other thing that is worth mentioning is a prevailing theme in talking with two other couples who have lost a child in the past. Both couples said this: “Now is the time to live out all that we say we believed all along”. So that means all of the prayers, songs, and responsive readings in which we have told God that we trust Him, have faith in Him, believe His Word, that we trust in His grace, and that we will remain forever faithful to Him no matter what. All of that is being put to the test. This is where the rubber meets the road. I wish I were better prepared for this. Please pray that we keep our hearts and minds focused on the Lord. That we continue to trust in His will, even when it doesn’t line up with ours…and please be patient with us as we figure out what our new normal is.
I will end on a positive note. I love that my husband is real, and that he is not bottling up his emotions or pretending that he has this all under control. I love it that we can cry together, and even try to laugh together at times. Our conversations about what has happened with Sadie always end in a conversation about trusting God. I am so glad that Tim is serious about his walk with the Lord, and that he is able spiritually and to lead our family through this trial. The other thing I love and am EXTREMELY thankful for is Eli Davis. Oh my goodness. He is three, and we have a ridiculous amount of love for him. He still wants to play with Legos, build towers, watch Mickey Mouse, feed us plastic food. He keeps us focused on the fact that our life is not over. We have all kinds of blessings to be thankful for, and we would be doing ourselves a disservice if we fold because of all of this. Eli is also extremely in-tune with our emotions, and he’s good at giving hugs and telling us, “Don’t be sad—it’ll be all fine”. Thank you, Eli, for showing us life through the eyes of a child. We love you so much, and when you get older and read through this journal, I want you to know what an amazing treasure you are to us.
When the righteous cry for help, the LORD hears
and delivers them out of all their troubles.
The LORD is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit.
Amen to that. Glad I really do trust in His Word. Thank You for this promise, Lord!
(Sidenote–BIG FAT THANK YOU to my friends in Melbourne and Orlando that donated and/or ran for Sadie last weekend. AND ANOTHER BIG FAT THANK YOU to those who participated in the Thirty One fundraiser. AND ONE MORE BIG FAT THANK YOU to all of the others who have prayed for us and for giving of your resources to love on us. We are overwhelmed by the generosity of others, and we are excited about paying it forward as we push forward.)