Daily Archives: June 21, 2013

Six Months and Counting


Six months have passed since I held my Sadie in my arms and comforted her as she took her last breath this side of Heaven.  Tim and I escorted her straight to the gates, and then had to drive home to our family minus one.  It was about this time of day when we looked at the doctors and had to make the decision that was ultimately already made for us–the decision to discontinue further treatment and “make her comfortable”.  Her condition had declined overnight, and any further treatment at that time would have only prolonged the inevitable and would have continued our sweet girl’s suffering.  We held her, we sang to her, we read her toddler Bible to her, and then we said goodbye less than 6 hours later.  In some ways it feels like yesterday, and in other ways it feels like 10 years ago.  I have learned more in 6 months by far than I have in any of my 38 years prior.  More about the purpose of life.  More about loving others.  More about making time for the things that are most precious.  More about giving.  More about living.  And more about the love of God.  He has absolutely jumped off the pages and into my every minute of every day.  I no longer believe in hope, but now know because I am living the evidences of His provision and His love.  I would give anything in the world to have felt this without having such extreme loss.  Why is it that the cages of our life often have to be rattled so violently before we stop and listen and do more than just go through the motions or say great words that we don’t even let penetrate our very own hearts?  I absolutely wish that the events that have transpired since November did not have to come to pass.  I wish that I could run over and scoop up my precious child and hug her and kiss her until the sun goes down.  But I don’t have that privilege–I had to let my Sadie Caroline go.  I will forever be changed by having the chance to be her mommy.  I honestly believe that God allowed her to be here for a short time for a specific reason.  And although His plan is not exactly what I would have chosen, I have to trust that He knows a little more about life than I do, and that He has something big He wants to accomplish through her sweet little (big) life.  Sadie is leaving her mark in big big ways, and I’m honored (in a weird kind of way) to be a part of it.  I love you all dearly, and thank all of you who have chosen to take this journey with us.  Your words, prayers, encouragement, smiles, hugs, tears, and everything in between have absolutely meant the world to us.  One thing we know is that we are not alone.  Love big, guys.  We only get one shot at this.