Six Months and Counting

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Six months have passed since I held my Sadie in my arms and comforted her as she took her last breath this side of Heaven.  Tim and I escorted her straight to the gates, and then had to drive home to our family minus one.  It was about this time of day when we looked at the doctors and had to make the decision that was ultimately already made for us–the decision to discontinue further treatment and “make her comfortable”.  Her condition had declined overnight, and any further treatment at that time would have only prolonged the inevitable and would have continued our sweet girl’s suffering.  We held her, we sang to her, we read her toddler Bible to her, and then we said goodbye less than 6 hours later.  In some ways it feels like yesterday, and in other ways it feels like 10 years ago.  I have learned more in 6 months by far than I have in any of my 38 years prior.  More about the purpose of life.  More about loving others.  More about making time for the things that are most precious.  More about giving.  More about living.  And more about the love of God.  He has absolutely jumped off the pages and into my every minute of every day.  I no longer believe in hope, but now know because I am living the evidences of His provision and His love.  I would give anything in the world to have felt this without having such extreme loss.  Why is it that the cages of our life often have to be rattled so violently before we stop and listen and do more than just go through the motions or say great words that we don’t even let penetrate our very own hearts?  I absolutely wish that the events that have transpired since November did not have to come to pass.  I wish that I could run over and scoop up my precious child and hug her and kiss her until the sun goes down.  But I don’t have that privilege–I had to let my Sadie Caroline go.  I will forever be changed by having the chance to be her mommy.  I honestly believe that God allowed her to be here for a short time for a specific reason.  And although His plan is not exactly what I would have chosen, I have to trust that He knows a little more about life than I do, and that He has something big He wants to accomplish through her sweet little (big) life.  Sadie is leaving her mark in big big ways, and I’m honored (in a weird kind of way) to be a part of it.  I love you all dearly, and thank all of you who have chosen to take this journey with us.  Your words, prayers, encouragement, smiles, hugs, tears, and everything in between have absolutely meant the world to us.  One thing we know is that we are not alone.  Love big, guys.  We only get one shot at this. 

About amberhilldavis

I've always been referred to as a "happy gal"...someone who could make light of almost any situation. But in December of 2012, my 17 month old daughter, Sadie, lost a 40 day/40 night battle with a very aggressive form of leukemia called CNS AML. This has taught me that everything in life is not mind over matter. Sometimes life is really really hard. I don't look at this as a reason to give up on life, though. God has brought me through lots of things--I know for a fact that He will not forget me now. And so now my true journey of complete faith in God Almighty will dictate my future. I plan on ending this story victoriously.

One response »

  1. Amber, I love you and so does God. Your faith is God even in the darkest, hardest time of your life is a testimony to thousands of what it means to really trust God!
    On a side note for others reading (because we’ve had this conversation before), none of us humans know the WHYs. If we did, we’d be God. I think we drive ourselves crazy sometimes trying to figure out the “whys” of life. I firmly believe that when something happens as a result of our actions, it is perfectly clear to us that it was the result of our actions — we don’t have to wonder and stew. Example: two teenagers have unprotected sex. The girl gets pregnant. No brainer. There is no mystery there; however, in life, there are so many things that happen that are completely beyond our control! Amber, you know you’re in my book and it’s about this stuff. I used your story in a chapter because to me you and Tim are the perfect example of having something happen that was completely beyond your control to prevent, stop, or foresee. There is no satisfying “why” explanation, only faith.

    I do know this: we are always searching for answers about why things happen and we all have a natural tendency to blame ourselves or others when bad things do — even when they are things totally beyond our control. I was just reading this: “As Jesus was walking along, he saw a man who had been blind from birth. “Teacher,” his disciples asked him, “why was this man born blind? Was it a result of his own sins or those of his parents?’ ‘It was NOT because of his sins or his parents’ sins,” Jesus answered. ‘He was born blind so the power of God could be seen in him.'” Even two thousand years ago the disciples were looking for answers and trying to find “blame” for something beyond anyone’s control. Never live with that, ever!!! Jesus was clear: nope. No one is to blame. It is for God’s glory. He orchestrated it. Disciples, you will have to be content with partial knowledge until one day, when you see God and know fully.

    Amber, thousands have seen the power of God in your life and Tim’s life! We all love you dearly and so does God!!

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