Monthly Archives: August 2013

Believer

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I am loving the song, “Believer“, by Audio Adrenaline.  Strange how pain can make you stronger.  Loss can make you appreciate more.  Tears can bring healing.  I’m not saying I’m healed and pain-free from all that has taken place in the past few months.  I am saying that “I’m a Believer”, and God is helping us figure out how to carry our sweet Sadie in our hearts.  Working on moving forward without feeling like we are leaving her behind.  Not a day, or probably even an hour, will ever go by without the thought of our precious child going through our heads.  We are torn, broken, stung, shattered, and beat down.  But we are trusting God that we will one day be taped up, repaired, redeemed, and lifted up to do amazing things in His name.  I thank God for the difference Sadie is making in so many lives.  That girl is more alive than ever in a lot of ways.  We just miss her so very much.  The hole is deep, but God is very capable of helping us today and every day.  I can’t wait to feel like “me” again!  And then not feel guilty about it.

And then there’s my Dad.  Strangest thing in the world.  I honestly feel like he is still “doing” for me.  I miss him so badly here on Earth.  Our loss here is enormous, and I long to be able to talk to him, hug him, and be hugged BY him, but I feel like he is wrapping his arms around me by being able to be with my babygirl right now.  I’m sure that sounds strange to some, and that’s okay.  Maybe it’s just God’s way of helping me cope with all of this without going nutso, but it helps me to know that my Daddy is with Sadie in a place far more glorious than we can even begin to imagine.  If we can’t have Dad here, at least she can have him there.

Anyways, in this song, they sing, “Take me to the ocean, I wanna go deeper.  I’m not afraid, no, I’m a believer”.  This is bold and hard to say, sing, feel, etc.  I am not looking for more heartache, but it seems that God is able to be glorified in the good AND in the “bad”.  His love is real, and He will not let me walk this path alone.  I can take refuge in that.  And, He has put the most amazing people in my path to laugh with, cry with, pray with, and just be silent with.  I am grateful for each and every one of you.

“Believer”–please click here for the video, and listen to the words of this song.

Here are the lyrics, if you are unable to watch the video:

“Believer”

I wanna live this life unsafe, unsure, but not afraid
What I want is to give all I got somehow
Giving up, letting go of control right now

‘Cause I’m already out here, blind, but I can see
I see the way You’re moving
God, how I believe that

I can push back the mountains, can stand on the waves
I can see through the darkness, I’ll hold up the flame
Take me to the ocean, I wanna go deeper
I’m not afraid no, I’m a believer

And so I lose this life to find my way and come alive
They can try to deny what’s inside of me
But there is more, can’t ignore all the things unseen

‘Cause I’m already out here, blind but I can see
I see the way You’re moving
God how I believe that

I can push back the mountains, can stand on the waves
I can see through the darkness, I’ll hold up the flame
Take me to the ocean, I wanna go deeper
I’m not afraid no, I’m a believer

Oh, I believe I can walk on water with You, Lord

When I walk through the valley of the shadows
When I’m trapped in the middle of the battle
I will trust in You
‘Cause trouble comes, but You never let it take me
I hold fast ’cause I know that You will save me
I will trust in You
I will trust in You

Oh, here I stand, all alone
waiting on you, Lord
Waiting on You

I can push back the mountains, can stand on the waves
I can see through the darkness, I’ll hold up the flame
Take me to the ocean, I wanna go deeper
I’m not afraid no,
No, I’m a believer

No, I’m a believer, yeah
yes, I’m a believer

Oh, I’ll never leave You, oh
I’m a believer.

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Birthday Toys Given out of a Generous Heart to Arnold Palmer Children’s Hospital in Orlando

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B'day gifts from Ellie's party were given to Arnold Palmer Children's Hospital

B’day gifts from Ellie’s party were given to Arnold Palmer Children’s Hospital

This is the coolest thing! My friend Kendra from Orlando celebrated her daughter’s Ellie’s birthday a few weeks ago. For her party, she requested that friends bring gifts to be donated to the Arnold Palmer Children’s Hospital in memory of Sadiebug! I can’t tell you how much it means to me to know that Sadie’s precious life is leaving such a huge mark on people’s lives, and is helping to bring a smile to so many kids–even a thousand miles away from where she lived! Thank you, Kendra, for doing this! And thank your sweet Ellie for the sacrifice she made as well! Wow–making such a big difference! 🙂

What Do You Want?

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Eli and Sadie--July 2012

Eli and Sadie–July 2012

For your children, that is. Here’s my top ten (in no particular order):

1.  To make a difference in their own special way.

2.  To pursue something that they love, and enjoy doing it.

3.  To make others smile and be a pleasure to be around.

4.  To love and pursue a relationship with the Lord, and to help others do the same.

5.  To leave a positive legacy by actions, words, and influences.

6.  To be able to evade some of the heartaches of life, either by circumstance or by making good decisions.

7.  To be in good company.

8.  To have fun.

9.  To love and be loved.

10.  To get to spend eternity in Heaven.

Thinking about Sadie and her sweet, short life here on Earth, I just realized that, aside from the fact that I wish so badly we could have kept her here with us a LOT longer–all TEN of these things have been and/or are being achieved through her life.  At the end of our days, and when we are on the other side of all of this, I will not be jipped.  I am so proud of my girl and the difference she has made, and will continue to make, in so many lives.  And, although I am in no hurry to go anywhere right now–when I think of the reunion I will have with Sadie one day, I can’t help but smile and shed tears of joyful anticipation.  That WILL happen one day, and it will be quite a big deal.  In the meantime, I will do as much down here as I can to stay Sadie strong, wear a Sadie smile, and bring some Sadie sunshine to lots of people.  I can say one thing–my girl’s life is making quite the impact on me.  God is working through her life here in amazing ways.

And let me not leave out my Eli.  Oh my goodness, what a blessing he is to me.  He has no idea, and I hope he never truly understands the difference his sweet life makes on me.  He is precious and priceless, and I will never take him for granted.

15 Random Things I Love about Eli Davis

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15 Random Things I Love about Eli Davis:

  1. We still get to sit around and pretend like we are talking on the phone with a plastic eggplant, an ice cream cone, and a spatula.
  2. When he starts into his classroom, but runs back to me and says, “Wait—I need to give you a hug”, then runs to the window to wave to me as I get in my car.
  3. He gives me reason to swing into Lifeway to pick up the latest VeggieTales movie. And heat up dinosaur chicken nuggets. And eat Angry Birds graham crackers dipped in chocolate.
  4. When he says things to me, like, “Sadie’s not gone, Mommy. She’s right here in our hearts”.
  5. We get to put on superhero costumes and chase each other around the house, casting webs and bonking each other with mallets.
  6. When I say, “Come here Eli, let’s brush your teeth”, and he replies with a grin, saying, “Never…”
  7. He literally wipes my tears away when I am sad, and then starts making up a song to make me smile.
  8. He is a ball of energy, and never stops talking—just like someone else I know.
  9. I get to plan a birthday party for him, and when I asked him for the 5th time what kind of party he wants, he replied, “Mommy. I already TOLD you…Batman and Spiderman”. I was just wanting to see if he wanted to change his mind to trains, puppy dogs, or teddy bears.
  10. He is my precious boy. I cannot imagine not having him right now. He is the one who made me a mommy, and he allows me to keep doing my Mommy thang!
  11. He likes to try to beat me in putting toys away…
  12. He’s still ambitious enough to do the bear crawl through stores like Best Buy—even if it does result in a huge carpet burn on his right cheek.
  13. He’s rough and tough, but he still can hardly go anywhere without his “Cookie” (Monster, that is). And he goes to sleep every night rubbing his fingers over the tag on Cookie’s hiney. So sweet.
  14. He thinks it’s perfectly normal to want Jelly Beans and ice cream for breakfast.
  15. He will not go to bed at night without a Bible story—sometimes two or three.

Are you Sadie’s Mama?

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“Are you Sadie’s Mama?”, asked Jami, the sweet cashier that checked me out at Lifeway this afternoon, as she handed me back my debit card.  (I was running in to buy the latest VeggieTales video for Eli–something about barberarians.)

 “Yes, I am.”

 Jami heard about Sadie “from one of the teachers at the school she went to–she came in before Christmas to buy a gift for her”.  I knew immediately that she was talking about Ms Katie.  It brought tears to my eyes, because it reminded me of the impact that Sadie’s journey has made, and is making on people.

 I want you all to know how much it blesses my heart to hear people talk about Sadie.  It makes me happy to hear her name.  All moms like to talk about their kids.  Yes, it may bring tears, because I am honestly still stunned that Tim and I are “the parents of Sadie–that sweet little girl that died of leukemia right before Christmas”.  But, despite all of this pain, at the end of the day, I am more than honored to have the blessing of claiming Sadie (and of course, Eli) as my child.

 Sometimes it is impossible for me not to replay scenes in my head of specific events of the past few months.  But as agonizing as some of those memories are, I would not want them to be erased.  This is part of my life–a vital turning point in my realization that being a good girl doesn’t mean that things are always going to go my way.  That sometimes God’s plan is VASTLY different from mine.  And that the words, “I have faith in God” mean more when I am put in a position in life have to let my heart and actions truly live out those words.  To merely say them means nothing.

 So, all of this rambling is to say “thank you, Jami”.  Thank you for your prayers for our family, even though you had not met us before today, and thank you for asking me today if I am Sadie’s mama.  Yes, I am, and that is one of the things I am the most thankful for in my life.

 

Love is greater than all of this pain.