Charging through the Puddle


I haven’t blogged my emotions in a while, so this may seem a little willy-nilly (is that how you spell that word, Tennessee?), and I know it will be a little “rambly”, but here goes.  (Many of you have told me that you appreciate that I am “real” when I write, so thank you for allowing me the freedom to be “real” today.)

Some days I look at what lies ahead and think, “We can do this”, and other days, it’s more like, “HOW are we supposed to do this?!?!”  How are we supposed to be not just okay, but be productive, joyful, and victorious, despite the fact that certain horrific events replay in our heads time and time again?  How are we supposed to make sense of this?  How can we convince ourselves that everything is going to be “okay” when we just saw that really, it’s not always okay–life does not always deal a happy ending (on this side of Heaven).  Just because we pray, beg, and plead, God is not obligated to do whatever we ask of Him, and that has now been proven to us.  How can we celebrate with others when good things come their way, when our very heartbeat has been crushed?  How do we remove the filter of our reality that has covered our eyes, just for a moment, to be excited about the good around us?  You see, we once held our newborn baby girl in our arms for the first time.  We were all smiles as we thought about all of the good times that were ahead of us.  So what do we do when all of that is shattered?  How do we enjoy our life that we have here, in light of what happened to Sadie–how do we maintain a healthy marriage…love on our son…enjoy our friends and family…excel in our careers…and do good in whatever opportunity comes our way?

We trust God.  That’s how.  With tear-stained cheeks, we look up and trust God.  He gave us our precious babygirl for a reason, and He allowed her to leave this Earth prematurely for a reason, too.  He knew it would break our hearts, yet He knew it was what had to happen.  I don’t believe that it was an act of hatred toward us by God.  But I do believe that it went through His permissive hands.  In fact, it was probably an act of love that we may never understand.

But why?  That’s the big mystery.  Yes, good things are happening that would not have happened otherwise, but anyone who is a parent out there–would you be okay with giving up your child for any or all of this good?  I am so torn between wanting to charge ahead with my head held high, and wanting to just collapse in a puddle.  So today, I am making a very conscious decision to charge through this giant puddle.  All I have to do is keep my head above water and my eyes fixed on Him, and I will ultimately make it to the other side.  This has been a rough week (obviously), and I honestly can’t pinpoint why, but I have my eyes wide open to the redemption that only God can bring.  He has a purpose in allowing our Sadie to come here just for a short period of time.  He has a purpose for allowing us to be here today.  I don’t want to stand in the way.  I want to be present for that purpose.  And I want to do my part to make that purpose a reality.

I have thought a lot lately about this question, “Why is this life a prerequisite to Heaven?”.  What is it that we are supposed to learn and do here that will make Heaven a better place?  Since that’s where we all want to spend eternity, and since we already know that it’s a perfect place–what about it will be better as a result of the things we experience and do here?  I know that the church answer is that we are here to point others to God–to share the love of Christ with others and lead them to a personal relationship Him.  I agree with that answer, but if God wanted to, He could have had us all there with Him in the first place.  So there is something about life on this place called Earth that He finds worthwhile for us to experience before we head to our eternal home, if we choose to accept Him as our Lord and Savior, and follow Him with all of our heart, walking in faith the path that He has chosen for us.  I suppose the experiences of this life–especially the tough ones–make us long even more desperately for what is ahead.  Not to wish our lives away, but to long even more for a place that we innately have a desire to be in the first place.  If Heaven is our “home”, then isn’t it natural to long for it, and to feel a little out of place here?

I can honestly say that I like life here on Earth.  I’ve always been “happygal”.  I like to see the positive and be joyful.  I love to laugh and have fun.  I love to meet new people.  Yet sometimes the storm clouds seem to take over.  So, how do I step forward in light of life-experiences with a even a hint of a smile on my face?  For me, today, it’s because God is making it very clear to me that His purpose for my life is very different than I thought it was two years ago.  I kind of liked the “normalcy”, but it seems He has much more than normal in store over here.  And perhaps He has called some of you to be a part of this not-normal world of ours.  Or maybe He’s calling you to a not-normal world of your very own.  Something that He can only give you a passion for through your own life-experiences.  Something that He wants you to do that you would not otherwise be prepared for.  That part of all of this is what is keeping me wide-eyed and expectant as we “charge through the puddle”.

So, thanks for hanging with me today.  This is a couple months of thoughts all rolled into a few paragraphs.  I love you guys.

About amberhilldavis

I've always been referred to as a "happy gal"...someone who could make light of almost any situation. But in December of 2012, my 17 month old daughter, Sadie, lost a 40 day/40 night battle with a very aggressive form of leukemia called CNS AML. This has taught me that everything in life is not mind over matter. Sometimes life is really really hard. I don't look at this as a reason to give up on life, though. God has brought me through lots of things--I know for a fact that He will not forget me now. And so now my true journey of complete faith in God Almighty will dictate my future. I plan on ending this story victoriously.

5 responses »

  1. Amber, you continue to amaze me and make me one proud aunt! God could only take someone like you with your positive ‘happygal’ attitude and walk you through the valley of the shadow of death over your sweet baby girl…..knowing….fully knowing that one day you would be looking for plastic bins in a store and you’d end up sharing your Sadie’s story with a stranger and that it would be a blessing to both of you. Or you would be not timidly putting your toe in the water to see if the puddle was too deep or cold, but that you would CHARGE through to get to the other side! I love you, happy gal!

  2. Dear Amber,
    I read your blog writing today and what you shared touched
    my heart. No parent prepares for a child’s death, even with
    a serious illness, parents are not suppose to outlive their
    children, period.
    In grieving the loss of your child, you also grieve the loss of
    the hopes and the dreams you had for your child, also the
    experiences you never will share. Time does heal to some
    degree, but the pain of this loss will always be a part of you.
    Its only through God’s grace that we get through loss.
    Grieving has no time limit……
    Below is a blog that I follow, Kate lost her son a year ago.
    Please take the time to view this blog…
    after clicking on the blog below scroll down to:
    Gavin’s first birthday tribute.

    Another blog that I follow as well:

    Anna lost her son, Jack….

    Praying for you!
    Because I care,

  3. You have such a wonderful way of expressing what we all are going through, whether it’s as catastrophic as losing a child, or as simple as just not being on your game at work one day. We all struggle, and those struggles affect us, but we should all face them with the same determination to live our lives the way God wants us to…and as hard as it is, you, Tim, Eli, Carolyn, Jane & Mrs. Davis manage to do that. And that’s where you inspire all of us to be better, to trust Him, to live big, and to spread some Sadie Sunshine! I love you! LeAnn

  4. I learned something very important here. If never thought of it this way. While normal is what most of us, including me , very much want and strive for , what God wants is better, but probably not normal . So might as well quit striving for normal and watch Him work in ways which I dont understand with my finite human brain which may not seem to, but actually far exceed normal.

  5. I love you, charging through puddles happy gal! All our questions are yes in Christ, so I’m so glad you keep asking them. I love hearing His whispers of truth filtering through you back to us. I love that He speaks into each heart directly without a middle man because you belong to Him and He calls you HIs own special treasure. Praying more and more you will be surprised by joy unspeakable even in this daily heart longing for Sadie.​

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