“Almost two years ago”. I feel like everything in my life is relative to what happened to my Sadiebug “almost two years ago”. In some ways, I’m like, “Let’s do this–let’s plow right through the next six weeks–we’re doing okay”, and in other ways, I’m like, “Waaaaaaahhhhhhh–this still hurts–a lot.” People want us to be better. But we’re not better–we’re just learning to live with the constant ache of extreme loss. There is something about hitting (and passing milestones) that seem like an accomplishment in a sense. So, in that respect, I am looking forward to some key dates coming and going this year.
But then again, how am I going to feel at two years and a day? That’s the thing–the passage of time doesn’t minimize the loss. It just makes you further removed from being used to what you had. I don’t want to be “further removed” from Sadie. I carry her in my heart, but miss carrying her in my arms. I see the effect her life is having, but I also feel the effects of her closed bedroom door every single day. I am torn between accepting His will and the fact that He makes all things work together for my good, and all the while thinking, “but HOW could THIS be for MY good”?!? It’s a tug of the spirit and a tug on my heart and soul.
Losing Sadie to cancer has cut deeper than words can express. I want to be able to put this at the foot of the cross and not pick it back up, but this is a part of ME that is missing here. A part of who I am, and who I am becoming. I want “who I am becoming” to be someone who can give God the glory in ALL circumstance, but I think part of that requires vulnerability and admitting that HIS strength is made perfect in MY weakness.
Please pray for our family when you think of us. Pray for God’s wisdom, direction, peace, and strength. Pray for steps of faith. Pray for tears of JOY to enter our lives.
(I should know better than to post my heart on days that I am sleep-deprived–that’s when my emotions run raw. But you’ve said you like my honest heart, so there it is, splattered all over your computer screen. Love you all so much, and thank you for loving us the same.)