Last Day of Normal

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November 5th of last year was my last day of “normal”.  The last day that I thought I had two healthy kids and not too many troubles.  Life was good.  And life still is good, but I have to work harder to see it.  I have to sift through my sorrow and intentionally acknowledge the gifts of God.  They have been here all along–they are just easier to see when you don’t have tears falling from your eyes.  Trying today to remember the words of a song that Katie  posted earlier–“Every tear, every cry, every prayer.  In my hurt and my worst.  When my world falls.  Not for a moment will You forsake me.  After all YOU ARE CONSTANT, and after all YOU ARE ONLY GOOD.  After all YOU ARE SOVEREIGN.  Not for a moment will You forsake me.”

So glad to know that I will not be forsaken.  I can take refuge in my God.  I can trust Him, EVEN WHEN HE DOESN’T ANSWER MY PRAYERS THE WAY I WANT HIM TO.  He is STILL God, and He is STILL good.  He STILL loves me.  He STILL works everything for the good of those who walk in accordance with His will.  I pray His protection on my family.  I pray for blessings as we try to walk forward with only memories of our sweet Sadie.  I will be the first to give Him the glory as He redeems this tragedy.

Trying to be careful not to only give thanks to God when He does what I request of Him.  I want to give Him thanks, even when I am left in a puddle of endless tears.  Thanks that He will not leave me here.  Not alone.  Not forever.  He will lead me to a brighter pathway.  And every step I take is one step closer to seeing my adorably precious Sadiebug again.  So incredibly thankful for her impact in my life.  I miss her sweetness more than words could ever describe.  Our reunion on the other side, and in God’s timing, will be pretty fabulous–of that I am confident.

Love Big. Spread Sunshine–Recap of a Wonderful Outreach to myLIFEspeaks and Neply, Haiti

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I am so excited about this post!

What kind of difference can $1,909 make in Neply, Haiti?

ONE THOUSAND, NINE-HUNDRED AND NINE DOLLARS worth of Love Big Spread Sunshine magnet purchases, and 147 different people chipping in to make a HUGE difference, can do the following, specifically in the Special Education room at the school in Neply:

* Buy new toys and activities for the Special Ed classroom * Purchase new Creole/English books to start a library in the Special Ed classroom * Supply a second uniform for each child in the Special Ed classroom (they currently only have one uniform per student).

Currently, there are 10 students in the Special Education classroom, and this donation will go a long way to better their learning environment, and will remind these children that they are a vital and very important part of the community of Neply.

Also–myLIFEspeaks is going to put a plaque in the Special Ed classroom in memory of our sweet Sadie.  It will represent each of you who took part in this outpouring of love!  So, THANK YOU for making a difference, and for spreading some sunshine to these children (and their parents and teachers and friends) in Neply!

This kind of giving doesn’t just help the people receiving the gift–it helps each of us to keep a perspective of love and generosity, and reminds us to be thankful for the blessings that God has given each of us.  Together, we are spreading happy childhood smiles all over the world.  I can’t even begin to tell you what an impact that makes on me as I reflect on the unbelievable purpose that Sadie Davis had, and CONTINUES TO HAVE here on Earth. I am one proud Mama.

If you have a donation outstanding, or still want magnets, I have a few left, and will be sending another check to myLIFEspeaks in a couple of weeks.  I’ll post a revised total at that time.

Love you all!  Have a great weekend!

“Sadie’s Really Happy in her Spot”–Eli Davis

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Eli (on the way to school this morning):  “I’m sad that Sadie’s gone, but I’m happy for Sadie, because Sadie’s really happy in her spot.”

Me:  “What spot?” (a little perplexed, thinking he’s referring to “Sadie’s spot”, which is how we refer to the location of her physical body on West Division Street in Mt Juliet)

Eli:  “Her spot up to Heaven.”

Me:  (eyes fill with tears and pretty much speechless)

For goodness sake, I am looking forward to the day that I can sift through all of these emotions, and somehow transition from being so sad that Sadie’s “gone”, to being so “happy for Sadie, because Sadie’s really happy in her spot”…thank you once again, Eli Davis.  I wish I could process life so black and white.

Ultimately, Sadie is right where every parent longs for their child to end up.  I just really wanted to get to hang out with her here for awhile longer, that’s all.

Many parents lose their babies before they even get a chance to know them, so I am very thankful for the time I had here with Sadie.

Many other parents “lose their babies” by watching them turn their back on God and walk down their own path toward unrighteousness.

Our 17 months with Sadie was filled with many joys, and having her here changed my life for the better.  I am plagued for right now by the devastation that comes with losing my precious girl to cancer, but I am grateful for the blessing of her life.  I am so sad when I can’t even think of her without tears filling my eyes, but I am thankful for the legacy she is leaving.  No parent wants their child’s story to be, “she was so beautiful and so precious and then she died of childhood cancer”.  I just can’t let that be the end of Sadie’s story.  I think that’s part of the reason we are wanting to reach out and try to do good for others on her behalf, and to share the love of Christ.  I want there to be a big comma after the “she died of childhood cancer” part.  I want the rest of the sentence to be “, and then her sweet life affected so many others in a good way”.

Thank you to those of you who have shared with me how God has grabbed a hold of your life through this.  That’s often how He works.  God did not strike Sadie down with cancer.  But He did know the story of her life before she was ever born.  And yet He decided that, despite the pain He knew we would all be facing right now, that the end result of this happening to her would be for our good.  THAT is what keeps me from giving up.  THAT is what makes me (through tears) say, “God, I trust You”.  His ways are not my own, but nevertheless, I trust Him.

Tim forwarded me a really good article this morning about “The Silence of God”.  He and I both found it very encouraging, so I think I’ll copy it here for you to read, if you’d like:

 

Vol. 9, No. 77

The Silence of God

Few Christians have chronicled their struggle with God more poignantly than C.S. Lewis.

The famed Christian author was deeply in love with his wife, Joy.  Not long after their relationship began, she was diagnosed with cancer.  She endured a long and terrible season of illness before she died.

Lewis wrote about his feelings following Joy’s death in a series of notebooks that were later published just before his own death in 1963.  Lewis’ most telling observation?  The silence of God.

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.  I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid.  The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness…On the rebound one passes into tears and pathos.  Maudlin tears.  I almost prefer the moments of agony.  These are at least clean and honest…

…”Meanwhile, where is God?…When you are happy, so happy that you have no sense of needing Him…if you remember yourself and turn to Him with gratitude and praise, you will be – or so it feels – welcomed with open arms.  But go to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain, and what do you find?  A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and double bolting on the inside.  After that, silence.  You may as well turn away.  The longer you wait, the more emphatic the silence will become…

…”Why is He so present a commander in our time of prosperity and so very absent a help in time of trouble?”

The experience of the silence of God is real.  Many of us have felt it.  Times when we cry out to God, and there seems to be no answer.  We pray, pouring out our hearts, only to hear the words echo back without a reply.

The maddening thing is that we have been conditioned to believe that there is a direct relationship between input and output.  Cause and effect.  The interplay between what I do and what happens.  When we cry out to God, and nothing happens, how can we help but feel that something’s not quite right – and that the problem is with the Listener?

The silence, however, is seldom permanent.

Lewis would later write these words:

“I have gradually been coming to feel that the door is no longer shut and bolted…[I was like] the drowning man who can’t be helped because he clutches and grabs.”

So what was he clutching and grabbing?

What was he missing in what first seemed like silence?

Many of us mistake God’s “no’s” for silence.  Or His “not yets.”  But for me, the easiest one to miss, but the most important to attend to, is when we’re experiencing “deep calling to deep.”

Consider the words of the 42nd psalm:

“As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God.  My soul thirsts for God, for the living God…My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, ‘Where is your God?’” (Psalm 42:1-3, NIV).

Here is someone who is hungering for a word from God.  He alludes to a difficult time, a season where he has been calling out to God in the midst of pain, grief or confusion.  From all angles, it appears as if God is silent to his cries.  So much so that those around him say, “Where is this God of yours that you pray to?”

But notice what he goes on to write – words that read as if they were transcribed from the most reflective of journals:

“Why are you downcast, O my soul?  Why so disturbed within me?  Put your hope in God…My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you…Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls” (Psalm 42:5-7, NIV).

The psalmist comes to see that there is no silence – there’s just an answer coming from God that’s deeper than words.  God is present, and speaking, but what He’s saying isn’t resting on the surface waters of life.

This is a season where deep is calling to deep.

When I was nineteen years old and in college, I was invited to a weekend party at a nearby university.  My friend, Phil, was going, and encouraged me to come along.  He said that there would be five of us in the car, but there would be room.  I wanted to go, and tried to make it happen, but couldn’t.

They left without me on a Friday afternoon.  Two days later, as they returned to campus, a car from the opposite flow of traffic crossed the dividing line, became airborne, and landed headfirst into their car.

All four were killed instantly.

I first heard the news late that Sunday night.  I left my dorm, walked over to the nearby athletic complex, hopped a locked fence, and sat in the empty football stadium under a moonlit sky.  I grieved for my friend; I thought of the brevity of life, and how close I had come to being killed.

I remember crying out to God to help me sort it all out, to make sense of it all.  To talk to me…to say something…anything!

Silence.

In truth, it was one of the deepest conversations we had ever had.  He was speaking to me, moving within me, communing and communicating with me on levels that had never been opened to Him before.

It was the start of many conversations – some even more traumatic.

Within four months I became a Christian.

It is of paramount importance to consider that it’s not silence we’re encountering, but a pregnant pause; a prompting to engage in personal reflection so that the deepest of answers, the most profound of responses, can be given – and heard.

This is the mark of all master-teachers.

I once read an article in Fast Company that profiled the chess master and much sought-after mentor, Bruce Pandolfini.  Here’s how he described his work with his students:

“My lessons consist of a lot of silence.  I listen to other teachers, and they’re always talking…I let my students think.  If I do ask a question and I don’t get the right answer, I’ll rephrase the question – and wait.  I never give the answer.  Most of us really don’t appreciate the power of silence.  Some of the most effective communication – between student and teacher, between master players – takes place during silent periods.”

Could this be how God is mentoring us?

Is the silence the work of a Master Teacher?

When I go through seasons where God’s answers do not come quickly or on the surface of things – when the way God interacts with my prayers draws me deeper into Him for guidance and trust, dependence and obedience – the answers I find radically transcend what I initially sought to find.

I get introduced to sin that I needed to confront;

…patterns of behavior I needed to break;

…insight into who I am that I didn’t have before;

…and depths of relationship with God that I had never experienced.

Such revelations are worth the silence, for in such silence came the voice of God.

Perhaps this is behind the ancient name for the extended prayer that is given while one might normally be sleeping.  “Vigils” means waiting.  It also gives insight, and appreciation, for why “listen” is the first word of St. Benedict’s Rule for monasteries.

Before even these insights came the ancient “desert tradition” of Christianity.  Though the sandy terrain was often literal for the early church fathers and mothers, Alan Jones writes of how they mostly entered the desert of the spirit:  “a place of silence, waiting, and temptation,” which is also “a place of revelation, conversion, and transformation.”  According to the desert tradition, such “empty” places were actually full, for it was out of the deadening silences that people were known to be reborn.

I know that it held that for me.

And will many times again.

James Emery White

 

 

Sources

Adapted from James Emery White, Wrestling with God (InterVarsity Press).

  

 

Editor’s Note

James Emery White is the founding and senior pastor of Mecklenburg Community Church in Charlotte, NC, and the ranked adjunctive professor of theology and culture at Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary, which he also served as their fourth president.  His newly released book is The Church in an Age of Crisis: 25 New Realities Facing Christianity (Baker Press).  To enjoy a free subscription to the Church and Culture blog, log-on to www.churchandculture.org, where you can post your comments on this blog, view past blogs in our archive and read the latest church and culture news from around the world.  Follow Dr. White on twitter @JamesEmeryWhite.

Love Big, Spread (Sadie) Sunshine to the Village of Neply in Haiti

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In mid-November 2012, our then 16-month-old daughter, Sadie Davis, was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of leukemia called Acute Myeloid Leukemia, which presented itself primarily in her Central Nervous System. Until then, she seemed like a perfectly healthy toddler—beautiful, playful, and progressing just like any other little girl.  She bravely fought her battle against this vicious cancer at the Children’s Hospital at Vanderbilt in Nashville, where the amazing doctors and nurses did everything they could medically to give her a chance at life.  On December 21, 2012, after exactly 40 days and 40 nights at VCH, Sadie breathed her last breath here on Earth, and her first in Heaven with her Maker.  Our hearts are torn in a million pieces, but we are trusting that “in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose” (Romans 8:28, NIV).

Since Sadie’s earthly death, our family has felt compelled to do various things to reach out to others who are going through a hard time.  Today, we would like to think outward and help children in another country—Haiti.  Specifically the village of Neply, which is where My Life Speaks Ministries of Nashville is focused.  Neply is a village of about 2500 people, and My Life Speaks is working to provide a better quality of life for families there.  We know several people involved in this ministry, and trust wholeheartedly that any $$$ given to them will be used to help these families have an opportunity in life.  I had a wonderful conversation with Missy Wilson from My Life Speaks, and in that conversation, I asked her if she could give me an idea where  the majority of funds raised would be used, trusting that she would have a great idea as to where the need is the greatest in this community.  She immediately replied that this money will be predominately used in their new special needs classroom at the school at Neply, and also to treat children and families at the medical clinic in the village.  This meant a lot to me, because in the course of a day, my daughter needed significant medical attention, and became a special needs patient.  I can’t imagine how I would have felt if she was not given the love and care that she so desperately needed.  Supporting this ministry is a way that we can know that we truly are reaching out and helping those less fortunate than us.  To learn more about My Life Speaks, click here.

Having said that, I am now taking orders for the following fridge and car magnets:

Love Big Spread Sunshine (blue-circle) Love Big Spread Sunshine

The blue-rimmed picture will be printed round, and the orange-rimmed picture will be printed square with rounded edges.

Fridge Magnets are 2.5”x2.5”, and car magnets (made thicker) are 4.5”x4.5”.  Both pictures are available in both fridge and car magnets.

Fridge Magnets:  $3/each

Car Magnets:  $6/each

If you are not particular as to which design you want, I will surprise you!  If you prefer to be more specific, that’s fine, too.  Just make sure you let me know which design you want (blue or orange).

If you need them shipped, be sure to give me your address, and add the following:

$3 if a car magnet is part of your order

$1 if a car magnet is not part of your order

If you feel compelled, please round your order up to the nearest $5, and the additional $$$ will also go directly to My Life Speaks.

Please make checks payable to Amber Davis, and mail to 213 Cobblestone Landing, Mt. Juliet, TN  37122, or feel free to catch me at Mt. Juliet Early Learning Center or The Journey Church or wherever else you might find me.  If you have a PayPal account and want to pay that way, my email address is happygal1@msn.com (this is definitely the easiest thing to do, and is free—see PayPal instructions below).  I will get your order to you promptly once payment is received.

Thank you for loving our family, and for helping our sweet Sadiebug have a positive impact far and wide.  I’m excited to know that Sadie magnets will be filling fridges and roadways in Middle-Tennessee and around the country!

Love and peace,

Tim, Amber, and Eli Davis (and of course, Sadie!)

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit” (Romans 15:13).

Paypal instructions:

Go to www.paypal.com

Click on Transfer>Send someone money

Enter your email and mine (happygal1@msn.com)

Enter the dollar amount you wish to send, including shipping if it needs to be mailed.

Click on “Continue”.

Follow the rest of the prompts (if you are transferring from your bank account to mine, it is free.  If you pay with a debit or credit card through PayPal, please add $.88 to your order, as this will be taken out of your total $$ value when you submit your order).

Sadie Nov 6

This picture was taken on the afternoon of November 6, 2012.  Just hours before we rushed our sweet Sadie to the ER at the Children’s Hospital at Vanderbilt.  She was diagnosed ten days later with Acute Myeloid Leukemia (it was hard to diagnose because it presented itself primarily in her central nervous system–apparently very rare), and chemo started immediately.  Sadie wore this same smile until her smile muscles just didn’t work any more, and we physically and spiritually placed her into the hands of God at 11:58am on Friday, December 21, 2012.  Emotionally, I think we’re still hanging onto her with all our might.  Allowing Sadie’s legacy to reach out and help other people lets us focus more on the positive impact her life is having, instead of the extreme sadness we feel over losing her.  Everything we can do to help others hopefully points people to the love of Christ, and reminds us to love big and share sunshine while we can.

Believer

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I am loving the song, “Believer“, by Audio Adrenaline.  Strange how pain can make you stronger.  Loss can make you appreciate more.  Tears can bring healing.  I’m not saying I’m healed and pain-free from all that has taken place in the past few months.  I am saying that “I’m a Believer”, and God is helping us figure out how to carry our sweet Sadie in our hearts.  Working on moving forward without feeling like we are leaving her behind.  Not a day, or probably even an hour, will ever go by without the thought of our precious child going through our heads.  We are torn, broken, stung, shattered, and beat down.  But we are trusting God that we will one day be taped up, repaired, redeemed, and lifted up to do amazing things in His name.  I thank God for the difference Sadie is making in so many lives.  That girl is more alive than ever in a lot of ways.  We just miss her so very much.  The hole is deep, but God is very capable of helping us today and every day.  I can’t wait to feel like “me” again!  And then not feel guilty about it.

And then there’s my Dad.  Strangest thing in the world.  I honestly feel like he is still “doing” for me.  I miss him so badly here on Earth.  Our loss here is enormous, and I long to be able to talk to him, hug him, and be hugged BY him, but I feel like he is wrapping his arms around me by being able to be with my babygirl right now.  I’m sure that sounds strange to some, and that’s okay.  Maybe it’s just God’s way of helping me cope with all of this without going nutso, but it helps me to know that my Daddy is with Sadie in a place far more glorious than we can even begin to imagine.  If we can’t have Dad here, at least she can have him there.

Anyways, in this song, they sing, “Take me to the ocean, I wanna go deeper.  I’m not afraid, no, I’m a believer”.  This is bold and hard to say, sing, feel, etc.  I am not looking for more heartache, but it seems that God is able to be glorified in the good AND in the “bad”.  His love is real, and He will not let me walk this path alone.  I can take refuge in that.  And, He has put the most amazing people in my path to laugh with, cry with, pray with, and just be silent with.  I am grateful for each and every one of you.

“Believer”–please click here for the video, and listen to the words of this song.

Here are the lyrics, if you are unable to watch the video:

“Believer”

I wanna live this life unsafe, unsure, but not afraid
What I want is to give all I got somehow
Giving up, letting go of control right now

‘Cause I’m already out here, blind, but I can see
I see the way You’re moving
God, how I believe that

I can push back the mountains, can stand on the waves
I can see through the darkness, I’ll hold up the flame
Take me to the ocean, I wanna go deeper
I’m not afraid no, I’m a believer

And so I lose this life to find my way and come alive
They can try to deny what’s inside of me
But there is more, can’t ignore all the things unseen

‘Cause I’m already out here, blind but I can see
I see the way You’re moving
God how I believe that

I can push back the mountains, can stand on the waves
I can see through the darkness, I’ll hold up the flame
Take me to the ocean, I wanna go deeper
I’m not afraid no, I’m a believer

Oh, I believe I can walk on water with You, Lord

When I walk through the valley of the shadows
When I’m trapped in the middle of the battle
I will trust in You
‘Cause trouble comes, but You never let it take me
I hold fast ’cause I know that You will save me
I will trust in You
I will trust in You

Oh, here I stand, all alone
waiting on you, Lord
Waiting on You

I can push back the mountains, can stand on the waves
I can see through the darkness, I’ll hold up the flame
Take me to the ocean, I wanna go deeper
I’m not afraid no,
No, I’m a believer

No, I’m a believer, yeah
yes, I’m a believer

Oh, I’ll never leave You, oh
I’m a believer.

Birthday Toys Given out of a Generous Heart to Arnold Palmer Children’s Hospital in Orlando

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B'day gifts from Ellie's party were given to Arnold Palmer Children's Hospital

B’day gifts from Ellie’s party were given to Arnold Palmer Children’s Hospital

This is the coolest thing! My friend Kendra from Orlando celebrated her daughter’s Ellie’s birthday a few weeks ago. For her party, she requested that friends bring gifts to be donated to the Arnold Palmer Children’s Hospital in memory of Sadiebug! I can’t tell you how much it means to me to know that Sadie’s precious life is leaving such a huge mark on people’s lives, and is helping to bring a smile to so many kids–even a thousand miles away from where she lived! Thank you, Kendra, for doing this! And thank your sweet Ellie for the sacrifice she made as well! Wow–making such a big difference! 🙂

What Do You Want?

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Eli and Sadie--July 2012

Eli and Sadie–July 2012

For your children, that is. Here’s my top ten (in no particular order):

1.  To make a difference in their own special way.

2.  To pursue something that they love, and enjoy doing it.

3.  To make others smile and be a pleasure to be around.

4.  To love and pursue a relationship with the Lord, and to help others do the same.

5.  To leave a positive legacy by actions, words, and influences.

6.  To be able to evade some of the heartaches of life, either by circumstance or by making good decisions.

7.  To be in good company.

8.  To have fun.

9.  To love and be loved.

10.  To get to spend eternity in Heaven.

Thinking about Sadie and her sweet, short life here on Earth, I just realized that, aside from the fact that I wish so badly we could have kept her here with us a LOT longer–all TEN of these things have been and/or are being achieved through her life.  At the end of our days, and when we are on the other side of all of this, I will not be jipped.  I am so proud of my girl and the difference she has made, and will continue to make, in so many lives.  And, although I am in no hurry to go anywhere right now–when I think of the reunion I will have with Sadie one day, I can’t help but smile and shed tears of joyful anticipation.  That WILL happen one day, and it will be quite a big deal.  In the meantime, I will do as much down here as I can to stay Sadie strong, wear a Sadie smile, and bring some Sadie sunshine to lots of people.  I can say one thing–my girl’s life is making quite the impact on me.  God is working through her life here in amazing ways.

And let me not leave out my Eli.  Oh my goodness, what a blessing he is to me.  He has no idea, and I hope he never truly understands the difference his sweet life makes on me.  He is precious and priceless, and I will never take him for granted.

15 Random Things I Love about Eli Davis

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15 Random Things I Love about Eli Davis:

  1. We still get to sit around and pretend like we are talking on the phone with a plastic eggplant, an ice cream cone, and a spatula.
  2. When he starts into his classroom, but runs back to me and says, “Wait—I need to give you a hug”, then runs to the window to wave to me as I get in my car.
  3. He gives me reason to swing into Lifeway to pick up the latest VeggieTales movie. And heat up dinosaur chicken nuggets. And eat Angry Birds graham crackers dipped in chocolate.
  4. When he says things to me, like, “Sadie’s not gone, Mommy. She’s right here in our hearts”.
  5. We get to put on superhero costumes and chase each other around the house, casting webs and bonking each other with mallets.
  6. When I say, “Come here Eli, let’s brush your teeth”, and he replies with a grin, saying, “Never…”
  7. He literally wipes my tears away when I am sad, and then starts making up a song to make me smile.
  8. He is a ball of energy, and never stops talking—just like someone else I know.
  9. I get to plan a birthday party for him, and when I asked him for the 5th time what kind of party he wants, he replied, “Mommy. I already TOLD you…Batman and Spiderman”. I was just wanting to see if he wanted to change his mind to trains, puppy dogs, or teddy bears.
  10. He is my precious boy. I cannot imagine not having him right now. He is the one who made me a mommy, and he allows me to keep doing my Mommy thang!
  11. He likes to try to beat me in putting toys away…
  12. He’s still ambitious enough to do the bear crawl through stores like Best Buy—even if it does result in a huge carpet burn on his right cheek.
  13. He’s rough and tough, but he still can hardly go anywhere without his “Cookie” (Monster, that is). And he goes to sleep every night rubbing his fingers over the tag on Cookie’s hiney. So sweet.
  14. He thinks it’s perfectly normal to want Jelly Beans and ice cream for breakfast.
  15. He will not go to bed at night without a Bible story—sometimes two or three.

Are you Sadie’s Mama?

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“Are you Sadie’s Mama?”, asked Jami, the sweet cashier that checked me out at Lifeway this afternoon, as she handed me back my debit card.  (I was running in to buy the latest VeggieTales video for Eli–something about barberarians.)

 “Yes, I am.”

 Jami heard about Sadie “from one of the teachers at the school she went to–she came in before Christmas to buy a gift for her”.  I knew immediately that she was talking about Ms Katie.  It brought tears to my eyes, because it reminded me of the impact that Sadie’s journey has made, and is making on people.

 I want you all to know how much it blesses my heart to hear people talk about Sadie.  It makes me happy to hear her name.  All moms like to talk about their kids.  Yes, it may bring tears, because I am honestly still stunned that Tim and I are “the parents of Sadie–that sweet little girl that died of leukemia right before Christmas”.  But, despite all of this pain, at the end of the day, I am more than honored to have the blessing of claiming Sadie (and of course, Eli) as my child.

 Sometimes it is impossible for me not to replay scenes in my head of specific events of the past few months.  But as agonizing as some of those memories are, I would not want them to be erased.  This is part of my life–a vital turning point in my realization that being a good girl doesn’t mean that things are always going to go my way.  That sometimes God’s plan is VASTLY different from mine.  And that the words, “I have faith in God” mean more when I am put in a position in life have to let my heart and actions truly live out those words.  To merely say them means nothing.

 So, all of this rambling is to say “thank you, Jami”.  Thank you for your prayers for our family, even though you had not met us before today, and thank you for asking me today if I am Sadie’s mama.  Yes, I am, and that is one of the things I am the most thankful for in my life.

 

Love is greater than all of this pain.