I haven’t blogged my emotions in a while, so this may seem a little willy-nilly (is that how you spell that word, Tennessee?), and I know it will be a little “rambly”, but here goes. (Many of you have told me that you appreciate that I am “real” when I write, so thank you for allowing me the freedom to be “real” today.)
Some days I look at what lies ahead and think, “We can do this”, and other days, it’s more like, “HOW are we supposed to do this?!?!” How are we supposed to be not just okay, but be productive, joyful, and victorious, despite the fact that certain horrific events replay in our heads time and time again? How are we supposed to make sense of this? How can we convince ourselves that everything is going to be “okay” when we just saw that really, it’s not always okay–life does not always deal a happy ending (on this side of Heaven). Just because we pray, beg, and plead, God is not obligated to do whatever we ask of Him, and that has now been proven to us. How can we celebrate with others when good things come their way, when our very heartbeat has been crushed? How do we remove the filter of our reality that has covered our eyes, just for a moment, to be excited about the good around us? You see, we once held our newborn baby girl in our arms for the first time. We were all smiles as we thought about all of the good times that were ahead of us. So what do we do when all of that is shattered? How do we enjoy our life that we have here, in light of what happened to Sadie–how do we maintain a healthy marriage…love on our son…enjoy our friends and family…excel in our careers…and do good in whatever opportunity comes our way?
We trust God. That’s how. With tear-stained cheeks, we look up and trust God. He gave us our precious babygirl for a reason, and He allowed her to leave this Earth prematurely for a reason, too. He knew it would break our hearts, yet He knew it was what had to happen. I don’t believe that it was an act of hatred toward us by God. But I do believe that it went through His permissive hands. In fact, it was probably an act of love that we may never understand.
But why? That’s the big mystery. Yes, good things are happening that would not have happened otherwise, but anyone who is a parent out there–would you be okay with giving up your child for any or all of this good? I am so torn between wanting to charge ahead with my head held high, and wanting to just collapse in a puddle. So today, I am making a very conscious decision to charge through this giant puddle. All I have to do is keep my head above water and my eyes fixed on Him, and I will ultimately make it to the other side. This has been a rough week (obviously), and I honestly can’t pinpoint why, but I have my eyes wide open to the redemption that only God can bring. He has a purpose in allowing our Sadie to come here just for a short period of time. He has a purpose for allowing us to be here today. I don’t want to stand in the way. I want to be present for that purpose. And I want to do my part to make that purpose a reality.
I have thought a lot lately about this question, “Why is this life a prerequisite to Heaven?”. What is it that we are supposed to learn and do here that will make Heaven a better place? Since that’s where we all want to spend eternity, and since we already know that it’s a perfect place–what about it will be better as a result of the things we experience and do here? I know that the church answer is that we are here to point others to God–to share the love of Christ with others and lead them to a personal relationship Him. I agree with that answer, but if God wanted to, He could have had us all there with Him in the first place. So there is something about life on this place called Earth that He finds worthwhile for us to experience before we head to our eternal home, if we choose to accept Him as our Lord and Savior, and follow Him with all of our heart, walking in faith the path that He has chosen for us. I suppose the experiences of this life–especially the tough ones–make us long even more desperately for what is ahead. Not to wish our lives away, but to long even more for a place that we innately have a desire to be in the first place. If Heaven is our “home”, then isn’t it natural to long for it, and to feel a little out of place here?
I can honestly say that I like life here on Earth. I’ve always been “happygal”. I like to see the positive and be joyful. I love to laugh and have fun. I love to meet new people. Yet sometimes the storm clouds seem to take over. So, how do I step forward in light of life-experiences with a even a hint of a smile on my face? For me, today, it’s because God is making it very clear to me that His purpose for my life is very different than I thought it was two years ago. I kind of liked the “normalcy”, but it seems He has much more than normal in store over here. And perhaps He has called some of you to be a part of this not-normal world of ours. Or maybe He’s calling you to a not-normal world of your very own. Something that He can only give you a passion for through your own life-experiences. Something that He wants you to do that you would not otherwise be prepared for. That part of all of this is what is keeping me wide-eyed and expectant as we “charge through the puddle”.
So, thanks for hanging with me today. This is a couple months of thoughts all rolled into a few paragraphs. I love you guys.